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I am not too proud to admit that on occasion, I have faked cleaning my house in order to avoid actually cleaning it. Although I would not recommend relying on these shortcuts regularly, they have certainly helped me avoid embarrassment 1-12 times. Before I share these timesavers, I want to disclose that these tricks were developed because I am actively trying to mend my relationship with Jared from our pest control company. 

The first time Jared came for his quarterly pesty check, I had forgotten that we had an appointment. Our house was a mess and I greeted him warmly at the front door wearing a purple unicorn halloween costume that I sometimes wear as pajamas. 

Poor Jared was as professional as he possibly could be to an adult dressed as a unicorn, but he was clearly uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to do, so I just pretended that I didn’t notice that he was actively avoiding eye contact and happily let him know that we had not seen any ants inside our home since we moved in.  When he went outside to check for  activity, I just changed into something more appropriate and hoped that he would forget the whole interaction. 

As I was waiting for him to come back to give me a report and my bill, I got sucked into watching videos of military parents surprising their kids at school. When Jared came back inside, he found me in an entirely new outfit and crying hysterically. 

Oh poor Jared. 

Poor, professional, polite, sweet Jared who just wanted to get out of my house as soon as possible. 

“ So I did see some activity rear your back door, so I placed some traps….Um…Are you…like. Okay?”

“ Yes, sorry. I am fine.” I sobbed. 

I could tell that he didn’t want to ask any follow up questions, but felt obligated to say “you sure?”

“I’m not crazy, I promise” I blubbered

Apparently, if you are ever in a position where you need to say that outloud, there is about a 0% chance that anyone will believe you. 

I thought Jared and I ended that first meeting on good terms. I didn’t have any ants, he set up some traps, just to be safe, and he assured me that this was not the craziest appointment he had ever had.  

However, Jared has brought a co-worker with him to every appointment since that first meeting and I can’t help but wonder if the company started a mandatory buddy system for employees’ safety. 

Needless to say, I have some work to do to mend the relationship.

Now I am feeling this unshakable pressure to reverse the horror of our introduction. My hope is that if he comes to our house several times to see me behaving like a typical adult, he may forget all about the crying unicorn incident. Even if he doesn’t forget, maybe he will just assume I had an off day. 

As a result of this embarrassment, here are my go-to methods to quickly tidy up when I don’t have the time or energy wipe out the pasta sauce that is splattered inside the microwave:

Don’t Stress about the “No-Go Zones”

When Jared visits, he only sees the basement, living room, and kitchen so those become our focus areas of our cleaning mission. The expectation is not perfection, but good enough that he doesn’t correctly assume that any pest activity is our own fault. 

Focus on the areas that your guests are actually going to see. If you are having a dinner party, it is safe to assume that your visitors will see your kitchen, dining room, and living room. It would probably be worth the trouble to tidy up the bathroom, but you probably don’t need to bother scrubbing the bathtub, unless it is the type of party where someone may sleep in it. 

A Few Details Can Make a Big Difference. 

Taking a few minutes to vacuum cat hair off the carpet and wipe the peanut butter handprints off your dishwasher door will make a huge difference in your home’s overall appearance. It doesn’t take long to move yesterday’s wine glass and ice cream bowl from the coffee table to the dishwasher and lemon wipes can make your house feel clean, even if you have a bowl of legos and a half eaten granola bar acting as centerpiece on your dining room table. 

Down Play The Tidiness 

Once your home is clean (or clean enough) and your guests arrive, make a few comments to make your house seem even cleaner than it actually is. Try comments like“ Oh please excuse the mess” or “It is amazing how messy things get when your kids are making memories”. This will give the illusion that this mostly tidy home is uncharacteristically messy for you. You are usually so orderly and organized, but you are just having an off day.  They will never suspect that all of your dirty laundry is piled on the other side of the bed or that you have dirty dishes hiding in your oven. 

Sometimes you may have to clean your house, for real. You can’t avoid organizing closets, cleaning out the refrigerator, and dusting the blinds forever. 

However, Save your thorough cleaning for when the house appraiser or your mother-in-law visit. Everyone else can settle for “good enough”.